You know, I want to write a happy post. A positive one. I just don’t have it in me.
I am typically positive, at least uplifting in a cynical way. “It’s not so bad – it could always be worse!” Yeah, THAT came back and bit me in the butt.
I have so many thoughts running through my head. Too many and too fast to try to type, never to be spoken as I am now. At least I can see typo’s because I type so slow. Most of the time. That brain thing is so fucked up. My speech pathologist mentioned Friday that how I built my knowledge base may make it more difficult for me to use generic rehabilitation tools. For instance, I usually type the word any as “amy”. I don’t see it until the 3rd or 4th time I reread what I’ve written. But pathology or neurology is ok, because I have to think about the keys to type. I see immediately that I missed a key. My lexicon. The Spelling Bee Champ still handles the more complicated words, but easy throw-away words, they are hard. I couldn’t remember definite the other day and it still haunts me. That is why me reading slowed and non-fiction appeals to me now. Non-fiction teaches and I am desperate for education.
I can read fiction much faster I found, but I don’t remember what I have read. Fractions and snippets, but a non-fiction? I know thoughts, cadence, obscure points, a jaunty retort. I remember and speak of them. With fiction? It’s s good book. I like that author. And that’s the thing. I remember the previous stories by that author. I remember the story arc and the connections. A reason why I have reread only 2 books ever. Your perception changes as you grow older. There are many books I want to reread now that I’ve had a stroke. War & Peace is one of them. Call of the Wild, The Stand (number 3 if that happens), even Lord of the Rings. The Classics, Shakespeare Wordsworth, Longfellow, Byron, Dickens, even the drivel of the Bronte sisters when not zombified. Hey, read both versions. I have read so much. I miss summer breaks. I put that time to good use. I expanded my brain. Thank goodness I did. The stroke was devastating, but at least I used more than average, so I had more to work with that had already been trained. That became more important than I would have initially thought. My brainiac persona paid off in the most basic sense.
I still have resources, but I can’t access much of it as it pertains to work. My memories are still there, but how I accomplished all that I have to relearn. How I did that is missing. Not lost, but I can’t reach it yet, if ever. I don’t know. and I don’t have a doctor to advise me. I have a new neurologist, but she has to meet me, diagnose and make decisions based on my baseline. That will take months. Months I lost due to incompetent previous doctors who never referred me to a brain doctor for a brain injury
I have filed complaints with the medical board and they will research my care records and see what I lacked, what the Stroke Foundation recommends for recovery and rehabilitation for stroke survivors. Please visit stroke.org and educate yourself so when someone, or you, have one you are somewhat prepared. Please improve your life and never stop learning. It will help you when you least expect it. Stroke is the 5th leading cause of death. 20% of those who suffer a stroke die.
Yippee. I didn’t die. It will happen, and it may be quickly and by my own will, because I will have no other recourse.
I managed a positive thought! That is part of my being and something that just comes naturally. Thank God, I haven’t lost that. I hope I never do. I consider it one of my best qualities, part of my morality. Along with seeing all humans as equal and the same, regardless of heritage or language of status in life. We are all the same. Pity it isn’t a shared thought by the majority of individuals, especially the man who holds the highest office in our land. And it is an “Office”, not a dictatorship. He does not own it and it isn’t something you make money from, even if you also own golden towers or acres of manicured lawns that you whack a little white round ball on for enjoyment or pleasure. I heard those places have a hefty membership fee.
On the 6th we will have an anniversary of sorts. It will be the 50th Anniversary of Robert Kennedy’s assignation. I was alive, but only 3 years old. Well, almost 3; 14 days shy. I remember my Mom crying in front of the TV. I remember her sadness and I didn’t know why. It was a rare show of humanity on her part. It was another great loss for our Country. He would have accomplished great things. But he was stopped. We need to remember those we have lost. The good ones, and the bad so we don’t repeat those mistakes. We learn from history. We are doomed to repeat it if we don’t. You want another Hitler? The rise of hatred, White Power, Fascism will bring another wave of hate that will destroy our world and do we want millions die? For what? To Make America Great Again? How did we become Not Great? Because we had a Black President of 8 years? The current President is unilaterally dismantling everything that the previous President fostered in a belief that he was improving our nation. Obama tried, but too many saw his changes as detrimental to the Nation’s status quo. It was progress. But that “root” must be extinguished due to “progressives” being ungodly heathens. Tell me, what have Republicans done to improve poverty. making medical care affordable for all, making medications affordable and accessible to children, seniors or disabled, fighting for women’s rights over their own bodies or safety or against harassment without fear of dismissal, defamation or outrage for actually speak truth. Let’s elect a twice-divorced misogynist as President who uses “locker-room” talk and vulgar comments when referring to women he doesn’t like, can’t have or isn’t attracted to. Or has an affair while his 3rd wife is pregnant with his youngest legitimate child. Men are no different, because that pathetic grade school bully attacks them to.
Can you tell I am not impressed or supportive of our President. Oops, sorry. If I loose readership – bye bye! I’m not being vulgar, or like him. It’s still a free country and we still have the 1st Amendment, and He doesn’t like that. Sad. Did I just hear a bowl clearing splash? Someone just dropped a load.
My cynicism flag is waving proudly…and loudly. Oh, and I’m a proud defender of LGQBT, even before my Brother-in-Law died from AIDs. I have believed in equality since I was a kid. Equality for all regardless of color, religion, political belief or opinion. I like battling wits with the morally insufficient, or “challenged”. My first bumper sticker read “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person”. It fit. I wish I still had it.
Now you know more about me. Should I die? I’m waging my war against time and my survival. There is so much to write. One tiny soapbox in a large noisy world. This little soapbox doesn’t want to be silenced.
As a remnder https://www.gofundme.com/wants-to-live