We Need Help – Again

I am writing for those who linked to this through GoFundMe. Previous links have been disabled from here.

We are in need of help and we have nowhere else to turn. And we are desperate. All three of us – Will, our wee Service Dog Andy, and me, aka “Grace”.

We are in a very poorly maintained building owned by slumlords – and it costs us money, emotional perseverance and all sense of quiet enjoyment. We have to hear the BART train 18 hours a day, the traffic soot from the BART track and the freeway and all the traffic outside our building which coats our floor and belongings, and neighbors who are packing their apartments with roommates who have rent-giving ability and who fight in the common area to the point of violence. There has been a rise in murders in Oakland this year, beyond riots over George Floyd and in East Oakland where we live. Oakland PD and Oakland Chinatown are blocks away. Minorities already risk their lives here. Two car crashes in the closest intersections to our building, one fatal and another between a Lexus and a new BMX X6 totaled and who knows what that man has suffered as it took 45-minutes to extract him with the jaws of life and the ambulance took him away. Or the shooting of a bus 3 miles from here on the freeway killing a 17-year old girl out celebrating her high school graduation. Or the woman killed and dumped in a neighborhood park within a short walking distance. Andy loves that park. Lots of smell-mails from other dogs.

Driving here is dangerous with drifters doing burnouts and speeders running lights. Crossing a street while walking in a pedestrian crosswalk just means you are playing Russian Roulette with cars even in broad daylight and when you’re using a cane. You’re slowing THEM down and they will honk at you. Or scream profanities. Hell, strangers will harass you while walking a little dog because you’re not wearing a mask even though you’re vaccinated and OUTSIDE. And that you’re. next to Andy’s favorite dog store in another city while Will was waiting for a car wash which the car desperately needed and we had a coupon and a few extra bucks for a change. Goodbye happy afternoon! Hateful 20-somthings just have to show off their superiority because that’s what they will do!

We need to get out of here and enjoy what time we have left, however long that might be. We live in a non-ADA apartment with a broken window, minimal heat and no circular air service as the heater is broken. Our home is so drafty, our usual $30 gas and electric bill was over $100 a month for December -March and the Maintenance staff did nothing to fix this EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW. Our one and only window can’t lock since the track is screwed up and can be opened by anyone in the courtyard. You can see the outline of the doo (whiler in daylight when it’s locked. All screens have fallen out – due to the “tracks” – with the ones for the glass sliding doors in our bedrooms just falling out in a strong breeze. It was a very cold winter when your bedrooms don’t have any heat.

My hearing is very sensitive, more so since my stroke and my in ability to get any testing since it happened in November 2016. The amount of alarms in this building bothers other tenants too, but Andy and I are left physically paralyzed – with him trying to hide and me screaming into a towel while crying unable to handle the piercing alarms. Will had to disengage the smoke detectors as they go off anytime I turn on the oven. There is no consideration for the disabled here.  When the Maintenance man put a dumpster next to the handicapped space in the garage where we park, he had an attitude and his associate threatened physical harm to Will after we moved it when it was blown into our car due to a strong gust of wind, which a neighbor witnessed and told Will (when witnessing undercover cops taking down a known drug dealer exiting the building using “flash bangs”), we broke “house rules” and we were given a warning by their attorney’s. Will is threatened with bodily harm, yet even though they have cameras, no one watches the tape to see what happened or who the non-employee was.  We asked repeatedly for that person’s name for the police report. None was forthcoming.

I have reported them to the Housing Authority and several other agencies, but we have to get out of here. We can’t live here anymore. We enjoy greeting our neighbors, but there will be construction starting this summer on the adjacent lot and the Property owners will be replacing the front windows and all entry doors of the apartments in August. This place was built in 1959 and remodeled in 1992 (following Loma Prieta earthquake that decimated East Oakland?) and they are doing repairs to the water barrier as businesses downstairs have water leakage in their space and we have to live through the jackhammers and electrical repairs since it doesn’t impact us in nearby units. We hear and feel it. Through the walls, floors and windows. Yet WE have to request Reasonable Accommodation THEY have to approve. If they could dismiss our letters for an ADA apartment, why should we expect reasonable accommodations now?

We expected to have a home with the same expectations of any renter. We were thankful to have a home after living in a car and being homeless for 4 years. Will is surviving cancer and living with PTSD after taking care of his mother who succumbed to Alzheimer’s and Pancreatic cancer. He had no help at all from his brother, even as he used his life’s savings to keep his Mom at home and happy and had to remodel and pay for the repairs to her home after a suspicious garage fire that almost ended their lives. The insurance company didn’t pay full replacement costs and Will’s sister-in-law pocketed many of the checks. His brother even offered to house many of Will’s packaged purchases in his garage. Will and his mother went to his brother’s house for the holidays where they saw how the packaged goods were now unwrapped and the $15,000 worth of furnishings were in Gary’s home being used by Gary and his sister-in-law.

And his brother, in a fit worthy of any sociopath, had Will evicted from the home he had lived in for 20 years. Why? Will believed his niece and understood why she filed for emancipation when she was in Jr High. He couldn’t provide her a home while taking care of an Alzheimer’s patient.  Thankfully, her volleyball coach was there for her.  Will loves his niece, but didn’t realize how her father was “loving” her. Will has been subjected to Gary’s sick thoughts since they were teenagers. Why Will has PTSD and took years to allow himself to be who he is, a proudly Gay man. Something Gary is vehemently against. Like poor people and minorities. He and Will are still dealing with probate, and their mother died in 2012. Gary wants to steal as much as he can – even his mother’s ashes that Will paid for and knows how his mother would want her ashes spread. Gary has no clue and would probably just spread them in the garden mulch to get rid of them. He didn’t steal from any family member who could speak up for themselves without using lies or coercion. Or threats.

We can be found via the following links or address. Thank you for your understanding or donations. We have an old car that is still running. How much longer? I don’t know. How much longer can we expect a ’99 Oldsmobile Cutlass with 200,000 miles to last?  We are supposed to get Will’s furniture and household belongings back from his brother which a storage unit will be needed for, but I have two already and one we share as this space won’t fit most of my things that I had to store after taking care of my Dad’s wife who succumbed to Alzheimer’s and who ultimately caused my stroke, leaving me unable to return to my $100k per year job in Corporate Finance and living on $21,000 per year Social Security. I am physically unable to sell what is in storage. Boxes are too heavy and I sold what I could when closing up her house and returning to my home. My ex-husband and I having divorced when I moved to take care of her. Like Will, I had no help from any family member to care for mother. Will didn’t have a Mom who tried to kill him- twice. He was so lucky to have a mother who loved him. I would have enjoyed knowing Dorothy. We like to believe she and Dad are waltzing together in Heaven.






POB 748, Livermore. CA 94550

What Are We Doing? Pandemic Edition

This is just the perspective of the new normal in the San Francisco Bay Area of Livermore. And a 13lbs little dog who is our comfort and often our joy and distraction.

We are homeless and have been living in the car my Dad bought back in 1999. Never meant for this, but it has been home for us for more than a year. Humans and canine. It has often been too much for me, due to my health and what I am dealing with, but Will has been my rock and my anchor throughout. And living not in a home for 3 1/2 years longer due to a horrible, cheap, narcissistic younger brother who would have preferred him dead along with their mother would have been perfect.

Neither of us have ever anticipated a Global Pandemic with nearly zero Community support. Who could have anticipated a Global Pandemic? Governors Cuomo and Newsom have been proactive. Our President, reactive. And they still are.

Will can speak in his full voice. I can speak with my “full voice” when I type and rarely otherwise. My handicap that no one sees or can appreciate. Afterall, I look fine! And am treated the same, often my “issues” are summarily dismissed by older people because I don’t have it as bad as them. How about it’s not a competition? How about just I’m sorry you aren’t doing well? How about what can I help you with? Not a plethora of excuses for why you need me to correct my immediate behavior because your 3 year old granddaughter shouldn’t be exposed to Covid 19 in a hotel laundry room at 8:00 PM while I’m trying to dry my laundry while you’ve been creeping around for 3+ hours doing load after load while I’m trying to get two done while little miss keeps running about nearly causing me to fall twice.

But do I say anything? No. Not until she confronts me about the two dryers I’m using out of 7. Why is it my responsibility for her being unable to dry her never ending supply? My clothes aren’t even dry, but I should take my clothes while still wet because she’s inconvenienced? Because her granddaughter shouldn’t be exposed to Covid19? How about keeping her in the room granny? Keep her safe!

I broke down and started crying because I couldn’t take her anymore after days of being expected to accept – without question – anyone more susceptible than me. Someone who has visual issues. Someone who never stops complaining how susceptible she is to every germ and fragment of dust. Someone who doesn’t have a car to shelter in place in – but that has no bathroom, no microwave, no sink, because it isn’t considered a safe place to live! A woman from CityServe, a local agency made comments to the effect weren’t we blessed to have a car and they couldn’t take us and make the choice between us and one other woman who needs a retirement center or convalescent facility. Us or Mary. Are we heartless? No. How about some of the creek tweakers who slept outside and were fine until you all gave them a room, tv, and a delivered meal everyday? They were fine with the virus until you put us together

That sounds bitchy. Sorry. I’ve been through too much in the last few weeks. Besides dealing with an out of control alcoholic who protests he’s not an alcoholic too much, especially when he’s just purchased 3 liters of cheap vodka at Safeway and claims he’s fine, I’m the one with issues. Like what? My TBI that makes me incapable of handing such trivial little issues like your drunk driving while I have 50% of my bad vision with very old glasses? Like those little issues? I am sorry I am such a drain on you. Excuse me for trying to love while you are hell bent on dying honey.

Not a walk through a sunny field on a beautiful summer day. That bright sunshine is too bright for you cave dweller. It’s just enough light for me to see. You sleep while I drink another Lagunitas IPA. I need to sleep tonight too, but not at 7 pm.

It’s been rough. And Will knows I love him and he doesn’t like he’s back to drinking so much but his back is giving him lots of pain and issues and the meds aren’t working at all. Depression plays a huge role.

Your financial situation isn’t helping either. I have a message in to Chase because I have 12 $34 INF fees and a $450 credit coming back to my account for Larkspur Landing Inn for booking more nights than needed because CityServe threw us out, and threatened the police. Will says to be nice since I still need tires and a new battery, but I say Fuck Them they put our lives in danger and didn’t give a fuck about us. They caused me to be taken to ER for a possible stroke episode as I am high risk and I felt bad taking up their time and not being Covid19 positive. Yeah, they checked but by a process of elimination, not an actual Covid19 test. We don’t have that many, after all.

I’m looking at you dRump. Don’t get me started how thoroughly unpresidential he’s been.

This is the worst world encompassing danger we as a human race has seen since Polio, WWII, the Spanish Flu or the last plague. Certainly most mishandled. Have Mardi Gras! Open for Easter! Ignore every other nation! Call it the Kung Flu! Blame anyone and everyone else, except the man at the helmet of the leader of the free world since it is not his fault. He said so! It’s Obama, the World Health Organization, that guy who just raised his hand! Not him, it is never him. Comparing his ratings and the polls, and we have people dying due to lack of ventilators and PPE at major hospitals in New York City – his home town. And governor’s better be nice or he won’t help them! How about he won’t help them anyway if they’re not rethuglican? He halts the USNS Comfort for a photo OP and delays it by almost a day and then when it gets to NYHarbor, it doesn’t accept patients and has less than 10 patients over the next 24 hours because it isn’t accepting Covid19 positive patients. Or a naval commander losing his post when he voiced concern for his ship crew when several on board showed signs of having it?

Did the world go crazy and spiral into TP and sanitizer hoarders, or was that just Americans? The lines outside Costco to local liquor stores for those in search of either or BOTH have been stupid long. Did a store have masks for infant’s? No, and why would you bring your infant to said store and ask, petri dish Mom? I swear to God but when did we get so idiotic? Toilet paper, sanitizer and masks for babies? Argh!!!!

But, I wouldn’t be posting to just give a snapshot into my little slice of hell. My cousin donated from Norway, my dear friend Suzy who certainly is in no shape to donate but did, and thanks to those fine ladies we had enough for a few nights of shelter when CityServe made their choice to leave us out in the cold. No one from the public offered a penny on my Facebook Fundraiser. So here I am with that in hand again. My account is in the negative and it’s just the 10th of the month and it’s Easter. I owe storage fees and my cell bill and there’s the rest of the month with bald tires and a very low battery that had to be jumped this week to get to our current lodging supplied by Abode Home Navigation. More on them later, but they have been very helpful in bringing us closer to being housed, until our Navigator left. Her replacement starts this Monday. I am hopeful, that’s all I’m willing to say. Hopeful for what, who knows, but something. I have sidestepped death too much this last year and longer. That should have never happened. You realize who is friend, acquitance or bystander when you’re life is turned upside down and inside out.

I truly wish I never had the opportunity to know that. Decades of knowing and caring for people and I meant nothing to them in their lives. Not worth any inconvenience certainly.


Discrimination in the Homeless Community

What? Since when? Ummm – for-ev-er!

And why not? There is discrimination in every community, especially from those that say “I don’t have a racist bone in my body! I have a good friend who’s _________”. If you have to point to one friend to prove it, you’ve got issues beyond race. Showing it without having to prove it is the key.

For instance – I had a dear friend Dianne. We worked together for years and she found me a place to stay last year for a bit. We’ve had our issues, but we overcame most. I failed to realize her feelings on a particular subject, which I wasn’t able to process at the time. That TBI is a bitch to work with too often. Especially when I was usually the first to clue in on subtle issues that most people failed to even try to understand. I was Lucy from Peanuts or the “Horse Whisperer” for Adults with “issues”. No nickels needed, but I did put out a plate for donations for my Jelly Belly dispenser (as a joke). Again, too subtle for most, but the Jelly Belly dispenser was much loved, even though Loan Officers would complain about having to pay a penny. SMDH. Do you think they were free at Costco or the Company reimbursed me? No. I did you big babies, I had to sit and listen to your whining every damn day when your deals went South or the Client went with someone else, or God forbid the Lender said No, even though I told you it was a long shot with that Lender but don’t listen to me! What do I know as the Operations Manager who secured all those bank approvals? Hmmph.

Some shit just won’t go away. Just like memories of 18-hour days over and over and it still wasn’t enough to make a certain blowhard quiet and not throw me under the Bus with KPMG. That Company had no issue with my work or my process. They loved the fact I was thorough and documented so much just for the annual audits and then they asked a question it took minutes to provide an example or an explanation. Not Mr. Blow-Hard who was on loan from the Parent Company and could not get a damn thing done without a “process”. Like how do you explain the entirety of a computer program’s accounting process with just T-charts on a whiteboard?  For those not familiar with a T-Chart, like this:

2020-02-23 15.31.49

Excuse the hugeness and bad writing. I just had to do it on a piece of paper, take a picture and load it to show what an asshat John was. I had to EXPLAIN an accounting process handled by computer software (Epicor Vantage ERP) in these T-Charts for every function within the entire Program to prove to him IT was working as it was programmed to!!!


But I digress as usual. John just pissed me off that bad, and unfortunately, the “project” ended up being $40M over budget. Yes, $40,000,000.00 Over Budget. I had to be wrong – but I reconciled every purchase order from the beginning with all of its documentation in a consolidated folder, and there we some 600 purchase orders and they were tracked on an Excel Spreadsheet. Yes, Excel. Not Microsoft Project or even in the ERP system as a project. They started out with Quickbooks and Converted to Epicor and it didn’t convert everything! Geez, we were still explaining THAT 5 years later and John couldn’t because as a CPA historically talking with Auditors – no one knew a damn thing about how a program actually functions! Computers do updates and there are no issues, right? Says no one who ever had a computer crash after an update. And the majority of the people actually involved weren’t there anymore!

Why the term “cluster-fuck” still exists for situations like this.

I managed to work through ALL OF IT and documented every expenditure that they wrote a check for from each system. Yes, we still had access to Quickbooks on one Computer, thank God. Honey, I killed trees printing reports and proof of my findings and even doing Jonh’s damn T-Charts to indicate the Debits and Credits.

I idiot proofed it. Or so I thought.

When KPMG wanted to know why my Project Report showed $40M more spent then they had – they had made adjustments in prior years since they didn’t know the extent of the computer transfer issue – John said it was MY mistake and that I didn’t have an accounting degree from any respected University and either did the other “girls”.

Who did the monthly interest adjustments on the loans and had to “teach” the accounting department of our US owner how to do standard loan interest accruals – which John felt it necessary to speak with KPMG to see if I was correct? KPMG reminded John I was an Operations Manager at a large Mortgage Loan Brokerage and “if I didn’t know how to do accruals, I wouldn’t have a reputation that preceded me.” Why they doubted John’s excuse why “we” were $40M out of balance all of a sudden.

And he thought I was taking too long with closing up the Project Report and adding everything to hard inventory for tax purposes, depreciation and actual Company worth! Yeah, just me and that was a supposed small part of my responsibilities. That bastard wanted me to do monthly inventory in the Yard of our produced product, which just happened to be Steel Pipe for infrastructure products and eventually the Oil Industry.

The Company closed a couple of years ago. The “Parents” decided it was a huge loss with a series of incompetent morons.  Clue for the future – when you have domestic and international ownership and a severe intolerance for each other’s habits/ways/thinking it just ain’t gonna work, regardless of how many homeboys you send to “fix it”. If they can’t speak the other’s language, you’re going to have an issue.

  • Example:
    • Group A is so lazy!
    • Group B is so anal! And they say shit about us!

I am using this as an example of how processes can break down with opposite intent. Yes, Group A did make a comment about Group B’s laziness, but Group A didn’t realize how offensive that was to the men in the factory who didn’t take the amount of pride and need for acknowledgment that a job is done nearly perfect for a supervisor’s approval. It’s done to spec. It’s over. Move on to the next one.

Welding in these huge pipes was an issue. And they weren’t passing after the first “repair”. That cost us time, a customer’s calendar, our bottom line. Pish posh. Not the Mill’s problem.

And that’s what Group A was bitching about. I really couldn’t blame them. Why I hate the direction Union’s are going. It was different when I worked for Bernie and Fred. We were part of GCIU, we weren’t the Teamsters. They are now. Bernie would have agreed with Group A, even with his Jewishness at the onset. He would have respected their opinion and probably agreed! Bernie was never racist. He showed it in his actions every day. That’s who I learned from. You can talk the talk, but can you actually walk the WALK.

To bring this back to the point, Jesus never said: “except for”. He knew Judas would betray him, but did he walk away and said: “except for you Judas, you betrayer”. No. That wasn’t the way he spoke or handed down the Word. And that should be respected on the Lord’s Hallowed Ground.

The homeless community sees a lot of infighting. Often over something stupid, such as a belief that a backpack is yours just because of common initials in permanent ink. You want to throw down over a backpack? Strip off your jacket and shirt so your opponent won’t be able to grab something? You can’t discuss this like adults? Or you get into a shouting match with a meth-head that is accusing you of stealing his jeans and a blanket, even though you have your own jeans and a blanket. Oh, and he threatens your car and your dog while he is at it. In the Lord’s House. And he creeps on you and tells anyone who listens your a thief and you steal stuff all the time. He’s been told you are disabled. So? Everyone has a disability.

Everyone has a disability.

That is irrational. No one says that. The homeless community does. Will accused me of faking it and having emptional breakdowns intentionally.  He knows differently know. I dragged him with me to UCSF. He heard what the Neurovascular Doctors had to say. And he has had to witness and be my defender when my brain goes into chaos.

I have Will who understands and defends me. Now. What about the others?

They are on their own. Attacked for being weak and being alive and being homeless and that person could get something extra they don’t deserve, supposedly. Even if that person has REAL issues, not the paranoia that comes from Meth use or other chronic addiction.

That is the problem – those with addiction or have psychiatric issues or both. That one is fun! Not. That’s like being in a knife fight with a butter knife and your opponent has a samurai sword. Your “loss” is inevitable.

I just can’t stand listening to the justification of “their” opinion or their taunting someone with a disability. It’s assumed you’re a meth user if you’re homeless. If you’re a woman, you have prostituted yourself for shelter. Or food. Or a bath. You’re marked as a “whore”, a word on my personal Do Not Ever Use list. Gunn/Mom used that too frequently and liberally to explain away my “tardiness” for coming home from school. And my cigarette smoking. But for a youngish woman to call a disabled senior woman I know a “whore” to continue an argument in a restroom more than half an hour since they separated, was purely evil and ridiculous. And the one that wants to keep the argument going is saying she’s “proud” of whoring around.  WTAF?

Will likes her. She does meth regularly and she did it in front of me, and I am never around people who “use”. I don’t like being around it. Will knows that. He’s a grown man. I can’t say NO if he doesn’t mind and it’s not like it was my home. That won’t happen there. Ever. I just don’t like her because she shares her “topic” of discussion such as dick size which isn’t interesting to me, or who she’s done in the past. I have never liked that type of talk and my friends didn’t participate in such topics as a group.

Will doesn’t believe me. Too damn bad, fluffer.

Living a life of principle isn’t easy very often. Just like walking in God’s Grace isn’t a pleasant and quick jaunt. It’s all the time, but I do slip or my brain is too tired to deal with someone’s bullshit. I can’t deal with it like I used to, but I’m not the same person. And none of these people know WHO I was before. No one. Everyone who knew me (almost everyone) before isn’t in my daily sphere.

I think it’s time to wrap this up. Simply said, don’t isolate someone that is different in your opinion. Or comment about them to lift yourself above them. It’s mean and cruel and it doesn’t put them in the limelight of fault – that’s you basking in that bit of sunshine. I don’t regret what I have said about certain people today. I’ve done to their face on numerous occasions. I had the words and the ability to speak my mind once. I still can with time and clear thought processes.  I will again someday.

By the way, Dianne was a fabulous Project Manager that I came to emulate later in life. She also happened to be of Chinese descent and was lesbian. The latter two didn’t ever matter to me. She was my awesome mentor and a good friend.  I was proud to have her work ethic. That did matter.

Watch out, haters! Venka will be back once more.

No Charity for YOU, Loser

I want to write about so many things, but am always distracted by the NOW, which usually involves our diminishing funds and all the things that need to be done. And the constant worry how Trump will take more away before we vote him out, since impeachment went nowhere.

I am looking at you, Moscow Mitch. The Russians have already started “interfering” their way, and securing what election “help” they can give Porky. I mean Putin’s Puppet. Watching Democracy die is not something I expected in my lifetime. Then again, I never expected that narcissistic bitch to be President. I never expected a white supremacist to become the leader of this Country.

Wish to God I’d stayed in Norway, because any time we vote in a Republican President, that party doesn’t care about the deficits THEY CAUSE.  And taxes, such as FICA or Medicare becomes “entitlements” all of a sudden. How is a tax a future benefit? If the government uses it as the local piggy bank for their big tax cuts to the rich, sure, whatever you say.

I was getting $25 a month in food stamps. I now get $16. Nothing has changed. Except Trump has cut back food aid, especially to the kids in school. The changes he has proposed (and broken some campaign promises) can be found at Trumps cuts.  It is part of Trump’s and the Republicans, War on Poverty.

I can feel it’s impact now. A Housing Voucher seems even less likely in the future with Trump’s plans for my “ilk”. News flash Pudgy, we are citizens too, and part of the voting public. But being in California, we have a huge site on our State, and the Speaker of the House is on his least favorite list, along with what he believes rhymes with Shit. You’re still Glue, Donny.

Changes to SSI would affect Will. He is still waiting in his hearing. He has chronic back issues that will hopefully be solved with spinal surgery, but who knows? He is getting worse as each day goes by, and being a recovering alcoholic doesn’t help. How do you recover when you’re in pain 24/7/365? Sleeping in a car? And your family is who made you homeless?

I had a stroke. I have a traumatic brain injury now. I have PTSD from a lifetime of abuse from my adopted mother (not my opinion, a psychiatrist (2 actually), a psychologist (3 actually) and a medical doctor (a good woman AND a mother herself) over 15 years of receiving therapy – but HER family denies it and accuses me of abusing HER.  Had to be here to see it – ANY of it. And they did, they just ignored it and explained it away.

I lived with a narcissist. Do you think I would want my President to be one? Hell NO.

But this is about needing charity.  And why I am asking and have received little or sporadically or none.

I don’t envy you a vacation. You deserve one.

You have kids and they are your priority. I get that. Wish I had your problem. I really do.

You have your list of priorities. I get that too. I have one of those lists. I doubt they are similar, except for something with the car, or the dog needs shots, or Costco has this awesome deal on a new chair for the family room and we need that!

My list has a home for us.  A new place to store and enjoy my stuff.  A wish. Not something I can pick up at Costco.

My car has a endless LIST of things that need to be fixed/repaired/solved. I have no money for any of the things on that list.

Andy is on that list, and his Vet bill from late last month. And to have him on a regular schedule with decent food that he will eat. Picky little pooch. Grr.

Enough extra money this month so that we can sleep in a motel for a few days and I can get a haircut when part of my scalp is shaved and the tumors are removed and I will have stitches.  And I pray they are not cancerous. I will just give up and die then. It’s been too much for too long.

Not to speak of the eye surgery I need as the vision is almost gone in my left eye due to the Retinopathy. Problem with Insurance in the County and I had to postpone. Again.

Will has not had to have cancer treatment for his prostate cancer, but the doctor is still trying to isolate it and provide the best treatment options, as she is not recommending surgery.

So much to worry over and so few hours to do it with a laptop.



Our Baby Is Sick

I haven’t talked about him, like I’ve intended to. Last year, I was rescued by the boys in my life – Will and Andy.

Will is my BFF and Andy is his service dog and his fur baby.

Man, that boys’ wardrobe was impressive and I love dressing up the little Canine Hover. He is just too cute!

But he scared us to death this week when he stopped eating and drinking and pooping!

I’ll elaborate in a future post as I’m texting on my phone and it just bites not having my laptop. Be back soon with the deets.

I started a GoFundMe for the Vet bill and the work that our car needs, our home. Please help if you can. We would really appreciate it and we will pay it forward when we can AND WILL!!!


Homeless Crap in Livermore

I’m thoroughly frustrated with the City of Livermore. Here’s why.

And, by the way, I’m on hold with the DMV about my registration. Wee fun. Not. Supposedly a 34-minute wait. We’ll see.

It’s 4:39 pm.

Livermore Parking Program

A wonderful idea, but poorly planned and mostly at Church Parking Lots. They are paying for Security Guards (we LOVE them) who deal with the jerks trying to scare us off because NOT IN MY BACKYARD/NIBYs. Those turds assume we will bring drugs, trash and be animals and they don’t want us. News flash – Will, Andy and I were the only ones who were participating in the first few weeks in this new program, and what are we gonna do? Sleep. Stay in the car. Wow-what a disappointment! Poor bullies.

The participating churches – 5 – are spread throughout Livermore and we spend a lot of gas getting from place to place and camping at Starbucks until they are in place at 7:30 pm.

The other “facility” is the unused old City Council Chambers where the guards have to unlock the building and “escort” us to the restroom. The other five locations have a Blue Room for us to use. I’d rather do that! Besides, that parking lot is well lite and next to the Police Station. I don’t need to be awakened at 3 am when the sirens pop on and their scrambling.  It just sucks and that’s Friday and Sunday night. We boondock at Walmart,  Safeway, or Target. We don’t park in front of someone’s house. How rude!

Why can’t they do one church the 1st week of the month, another the 2nd week, a 3rd the 3rd week, and so on. Have a church for the 5th or overlap week. Easy pease. m no. Let us drive hither and yon and waste gas. Geez.

DMV answered at 5:02. Not bad! A native speaker and very helpful. And he sounds cute.

Livermore Homeless Refuge

This is where I meet Will and came under the tutelage and loving grace of Donna McKenzie.

She is responsible for me meeting Sheryl and Dave, Mattie and Leslie, Isaac, Alan, Alison, Lee and so many others. She has given me hope, she has fed me, looked out for me, and made sure I had a home to sleep in last year when the Refuge Center was closed. Even a place for me to shower safely. Donna has done so much to ease this terror for me. But welcomed and soothed me when I became homeless and helped me by giving me what I needed to survive in this alternate reality. But meeting Will was the life-saving difference.

Without him, I wouldn’t be alive. And that’s the truth.

Her husband, companion, and partner of 48 years died 2 weeks ago.  Years ago, they sold their home here in Livermore (BIG house) and they started the Homeless Refuge for the homeless during the winter BECAUSE THE CITY DOES NOTHING!!!

The City has done close to nothing and the biggest hurdle Donna has had to deal with FOR YEARS! From her mouth to God’s ears and through my fingers. I am sick of how the City deals with the Homeless Community with “allowing” the Churches to “deal” with us as their Christain responsibility.

Old Council Chambers or any Large Empty Space

This is where Donna has had the issue, as there is no dedicated space for the homeless for things such as:

  • A year-round place to sleep when it is cold, wet or too hot (cooling center)
  • A place to get coffee or tea, have a microwave to make a Cup-o-Soup
  • A place to receive information or updates
  • A place for meetings or to pick up mail
  • A place to have a “clothes closet” to receive shoes, underwear, shirts, pants, blankets, sleeping  bags, backpacks, duffel bags – you know, stuff they need as opposed to one church for mail, several for clothes, Donna for a sleeping bags, blankets or a have her microwave something
  • Lockers to store stuff for a day or two or just overnight
  • A place – other than McDonald’s or the Library (or Starbucks) to read a book, play a hand of cards, play chess, not watch TV other than the news
  • Have newspapers available
  • Have a bulletin board to post notices or news bits that impact the Homeless Community

There are drawbacks that the City Council will have. Loitering Homeless around whatever site is selected. If they convert the Old Council Chambers NEXT TO THE POLICE STATION will diminish the loitering because if there are Homeless who have run-ins with the Police, they won’t want to be there. Duh!

Fremont has done it for the most part at offering the Senior Center as a place to be for Winter Shelter EVERY NIGHT RAIN OR SHINE. They have posted rules and Security folks who are PAID watchers at night.

What does Livermore have? Because of Donna, they have the Refuge and this is who at happens:

  • The Refuge is Open during Winter IF it will be below 45F or there is a 25% of rain, or both
  • There are 3 churches that rotate shelter every week. They post on Facebook if the Refuge will be open that night. Better have a cell phone or know someone who does
  • The Refuge is at the same Church every weekend – Saturday and Sunday
  • Food is donated for Donna to serve “us”. People who stay the night or just get a hot dinner.
  • The most popular dinner that is brought is Lasagna. Donna received 5 trays one-weekend last year. Lasagna. 5 in two days. Think Costco had a special? Sheesh.
  • How about something healthy? Not carb bombs for us Diabetics?
  • The “Watchers” from 8 to Midnight and Midnight to 7 am are ALL volunteers. Last year they had to offer $15 an hour to work from Midnight to 7am. When they don’t have Watchers for shifts this season, they are closed.
  • Donna has organized and donated her time EVERY DAY  from 5 to 8 pm supplying food, providing sleeping bags, making sure the space is clean or is bitched at over lint on the floor that will impact the “children” and deal with the meth heads and tweakers who light up in the Children’s Chapel because IT’S DONNA’S FAULT BECAUSE SHE WAN’T PERSONALLY THERE TO THROW THEM OUT. She gets bitched at when there are cigarette butt’s on the public sidewalk in front of the Church.

There are too many issues that I have an issue with that the City has FAILED to support its residents. The fault of the Tri-Valley area, Livermore/Pleasanton/Castro Valley/San Ramon. None of the cities are taking the proper action with housing, Castro Valley and Pleasanton are trying a few things, which I applaud. Pleasanton has tried to increase its Section 8 and Low Income Housing. So has San Ramon. Livermore City Council complains there are not enough grants, not enough Section 8 grants, not enough time, not enough man-hours, not enough help from the County/State/Feds-HU. D. Wah! Boo-hoo. Poor babies. It’s so hard!

They are currently discussing and bringing to a vote one of two development projects bringing a destination hotel to Downtown Livermore, a new and bigger parking garage, neither over 3 stories! A new downtown park! (Like we have none now) New housing units, but no low-income housing!  increase to the tax base and hotel taxes! And building and meter fees to the City coffers! Squee. Give me a break. SMDH.

If I am wrong about any of this, excuse me. As a homeless individual who could suffer another stroke existing in this chaos, hearing about the debate over a new parking garage next to the Bankhead and a Destination Hotel like this is Disneyland while I have to sleep in a car at churches with hostile neighbors, doesn’t make me…ummm… sympathetic to the City’s plight. Fucking bastards. The Major has made to very obvious he “dislikes” the homeless and doesn’t want them here.


Thank you for reading my venting today.

The DMV has gotten a bad rap. There are helpful people by phone.

In Memorium

There was a kind, benevolent soul who also happened to be the other half of a wonderful duo. We came to know him as Bob, because Donna was always in lead, in the limelight, bowed at the feet of our dear Mother. The homeless of Livermore & Pleasanton are her flock.  Donna and Bob’s flock And if it weren’t for Donna, Bob would have been sitting in his recliner watching the game.

Bob was never chatty. He had dry sayings that served his mood,  such as “same shit different day”. He was direct. You just had to know and accept what Donna said was the law. You never spoke ill of Donna, you never spoke against Donna, Donna was above any commentary – even when it was in her regard. Bob would defend his wonderful wife against all. And we loved him for that.

Bob passed on Saturday evening, Januar 11, 2020.

He left his life with Donna to be in his Maker’s Presence, to join old friends like Henry, to see his parents again.

We’ll miss you Bob. We will look after Donna and keep her safe.

Selfish-Uneducated-Nincompoop Day

Welcome to Sunday! Let me tell you what is happening to us.

Because we are “homeless” and are, therefore “derelicts”.

Livermore created a Safe Parking Program and are using CityServe Tri-Valley as the facilitator for the program. You have to be vetted and approved to participate. Get a monthly card. There are 6 different locations throughout the city of Livermore and mostly church parking lots. We have our own Security Guards (Company with 3 employees to watch us for the week). We check in with them and sleep in our car. There is a handicapped port-a-potty for our use, which the guards have the key for the lock. They will usually unlock it for us when they arrive at 7pm. We are welcome after 7pm, but we can’t leave and return. No in and out privileges.

Basically, we have a secure place to sleep and pee. That’s it. And you have to leave by 7am. That’s it. Park. Sleep. Leave. Don’t make a mess and don’t piss off the neighbors. Got it.

The neighbor’s don’t agree with this philosophy. They are the “not in my backyard” crowd. NIMBY’s. They have made their presence known.

Nosey folk have driven up to the guard and inquired. Others have called the police. Some just group together and watch us – with the “understanding” that they “take care” of those who step out of line. They don’t want the activities of the Creek People to poison their pristine little neighborhoods. Soil their children. Their pristine thoughts.

Maybe they should stop imagining what we will do and actually see what we don’t do.

I may accept the fact I am homeless, I may be treated like I am homeless, but I will be damned if I “act” like their version of homeless. Whatever the fuck that is.

Why do people have to be that way? Destroy something they “think” is bad. What they think is bad that doesn’t exist. I just don’t get it. Can someone explain?

And changing the lock on the port-a-potty? They are being rented by the City for our specific use and now “concerned citizens” have made one location unavailable. Good job? Mission accomplished? We’ll stop parking here? God Christian thoughts and actions?

Nah. Thanks for the fodder for a blog post you uneducated nincompoop’s.

I’ve Succumbed. I Am Homeless.

Nothing has changed, but the finality of my situation has enveloped me. There is no help due to their being no scraggly crevices to stick is in. And I have no strength to look.

No one cares (I know this is difficult, but be patient), they’re going through the motions (I’m going to be your Navigator to help you through this process – where’ve you been this last year?), we need to make sure we have all your paperwork (how many people need the same damn thing? and for what?).

Copies of my Social Security card, my SSI award, my bank account – all at my fingertips and provided, but when an opportunity comes up they will need documentation with a date within a week. What? Social Security cards don’t ever change and award letters don’t either. You get a Cost of Living increase once a year and I just got mine. A fresh print from SS? I can’t request it online because their 3rd party facilitator – Equifax – has my file locked and what I have to do to get unlocked isn’t easy or enjoyable AND I CAN’T USE A POBOX!

It’s frustrating.

I hate calling Social Security anyway. It takes too long and simple requests are something they have difficulty understanding.

And driving to Hayward to get a printout for something I already have is ludicrous.


Another County servicer will be in contact with us Monday to make sure we are on track to receive housing! To help ger our paperwork in order! To make it easier for us!

Shut up! I believed that 8 months ago and the apartment they were speaking of never came to fruition. Because of an internal document verifying how long each of us has been homeless. They had access to the same resources we do……/ MAKE A PHONE CALL!

We have to give them a piece of paper? Why? It’s a freaky mess, makes little sense and it’s not for “anyone” who has seen us homeless and living in a car. They want this on the company letterhead with a description of what they witnessed. Who can testify to that! With a specific date a year ago? It’s insane.

If you saw a doctor, therapist or psychiatrist, get documentation from them! I can give them phone numbers to call, and we’ve signed ROIs (Release of Information). They have permission to access my medical records, and yet they still need me to get their stupid form completed to their satisfaction!”

Can you tell they’re pissing me off with their ineptitude?

I hate how they handle everyday shit. They create obstacles!

I am too tired and mentally done for this crap.

Today is Wednesday, I Think

I’m in a flu induced haze. I call it Danny Plague since he gave it to us for Christmas. Merry indeed. Bah humbug. *Cough*Wheez*Collapse*Sleep*

One day melts into the next and EVERYTHING is the same, except the amount of rainfall overnight, how wet we are in the car, how cold we are in the car and how sick we still are in the car. It all comes down to the car and how much worse it all is.

I have tried to update my Youtube channel daily, but “daily” isn’t happening. You can see the latest “A Day in My Life” here https://youtu.be/zW9Q2BgTsSg

When I can make it a OneTinySoapbox Channel, I will. Need to do research and study, but there are only so many hours in a day and when those hours are plagued impacted it’s a crapshoot.

Just like contacting an attorney. I have contacted dozens and the only one who was interested needed a down payment for an expert. You had a stroke, they told you you had a stroke, what is the problem? They didn’t tell you what kind? Does that matter? Yeah, it kinda does. Especially since I’m still suffering from the results of it. And they missed a bunch of stuff. Well. that doesn’t matter. You’re still alive and that is what matters. But….my quality, or lack thereof, of life? Pishposh. that is not OUR concern.

I am so cold. I have had the chills for days and it won’t improve with the temperature not getting out of the low to mid 50’s for the next two weeks.  And rain.  I haven’t had a shower since Christmas Eve and it doesn’t look likely for another few weeks. Hell, we need to laundry anyway.  And my glasses are getting worse, as is my vision. I don’t know what I can do about that except try to schedule with my BARA doctor and have the surgery approved to stop the Eye Aneurysms. And wait for stabilization. And THEN get a new eye prescription. That will be a few months out and just glasses as usual. I can forget contact lenses as they are not a necessity. Who wants peripheral vision anyway? Or be able to see in the rain? Or not have to worry about sneezing while driving and knocking over your glasses? Or worry about fog on your glasses? Or being able to breathe normally? Certainly not me. Not since the age of 11.

I can type anything, but who will listen. Suzy, you did an awesome thing! You contacted the local paper! Thank you! It makes a difference. And those of you who contributed $5 to our campaign – bless you! But does that make a difference in the long run? It may keep us alive with hope but it doesn’ change much for us. Just plodding ahead one day at a time. My goal is $100,000 and my campaign has raised $4880. In a little over a year. That’s $406.66 a month. It helped get us into hotel rooms, paid for needed repairs to the car, even a hot meal at a restaurant, but we never used any of that money just blow it on “fun”. We have never gone to a movie. We camped. That is as exciting as it got. And we enjoy camping when we aren’t going to freeze to death.  Or be flooded out.


To help us. I don’t know how much more I can take before I hit my cap. I don’t want to die, but living like this isn’t a “choice”.